Anger is a natural and common human emotion that often surfaces in relationships, even if it isn’t directed at the person causing it. Unfortunately, anger can manifest in interactions with those closest to us, including romantic partners.
However, passion in a relationship shouldn’t justify expressing anger in uncontrollable ways. Learning to manage anger and respond to an angry partner constructively is a valuable skill that promotes intimacy and emotional maturity and many seeking anger management in NYC find online therapy a valid solution.
As a therapist, I frequently encourage clients to reflect on how their reactions in relationships align with their desired roles as partners. Often, we resort to shutting down, venting to friends, or attempting to control our partner in response to anger. While these tactics might offer temporary relief, they typically prove ineffective in the long run.
Here are four straightforward strategies for effectively managing anger and nurturing maturity within your relationship.
Avoid the Impulse to Cut Off
When someone is in conflict with their significant other, they may feel tempted to slam a door and give them the silent treatment. While silence can offer temporary calm, it often heightens their partner’s anxiety or anger.
However, this doesn’t mean you must resolve the issue immediately in the heat of the moment. Instead of abruptly leaving or walking away, consider communicating to your partner that you need time to calm down and gather your thoughts. Express that you value resolving differences and discuss an appropriate timeframe for returning to the conversation.
If your partner tends to give you the silent treatment for forgetting an anniversary or missing dinner with their parents, you’ve likely felt anxious about what will happen next. While you can’t force them to talk, you can express readiness to discuss and collaborate once they’re prepared. Attempting to pressure or manipulate them into a quick reconciliation often backfires, leading to further withdrawal.
Focus on Managing Yourself (And Not Your Partner)
When someone we care about is angry with us, the instinct to quickly appease and soothe them can be strong. However, we can only control our own thoughts, behaviors, and emotions—not theirs.
Maintaining calmness is more effective than trying to calm someone else down. People who focus on managing their own anxiety and reactions create space for the other person to do the same. Instead of insisting, “Please calm down!”, try taking deep breaths and slowing your own heart rate.
Likewise, if you’re upset with your partner and wish to address a behavior, attempting to control them often leads to a negative response. The aim should be to express your thoughts in a way that fosters understanding, not to shame them.
Remember, if your words and actions trigger fear in your partner’s brain, they are less likely to listen to you. Immaturity often breeds more immaturity in relationships. While it may feel urgent to send a harsh text while they’re at work or wake them in the middle of the night with grievances, these tactics typically escalate conflicts rather than resolve them.
Be Aware of Triangles
When you’re angry or annoyed with your partner, it can be tempting to vent to a friend, your child, or even your therapist. This act of involving a third person to manage stress about another is often referred to as creating an emotional triangle. It’s human to want to vent, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. However, this “triangling” can sometimes prevent us from addressing the issue directly in the original relationship, and it may leave your partner feeling isolated or defensive.
So, the next time you’re upset with your spouse and feel tempted to reach out to someone else, ask yourself, “Am I seeking help or just looking for validation?” If it’s the latter, consider calming yourself down before seeking external validation. While sharing relationship conflicts with your therapist is acceptable, remember that their role is to remain neutral and facilitate your best thinking—not to affirm that your partner is at fault.
Look Past the Issues
As individuals, certain topics like money, politics, religion, sex, parenting, or family drama can easily trigger angry or anxious reactions that lead to conflict. It’s common to assume that differing opinions cause anger and conflict, but often it’s our immature reactions to these topics rather than the opinions themselves.
Instead of fixating on quickly resolving conflict, focus on responding with maturity. This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or volatility in a partner, nor does it imply staying in an unhealthy relationship. Maturity involves consciously managing emotions and asking, “What would the best version of myself do in this situation?” True maturity doesn’t involve slamming doors or screaming at loved ones.
If you feel overwhelmed by anger in your romantic relationship, remember that you contribute equally to the dynamics. By maintaining calm and maturity, you can influence the relationship positively. This may inspire your partner to also approach conflicts with maturity, or it may lead you to reassess the relationship’s compatibility. In either scenario, you’re choosing not to let anger dictate your actions. When one person makes this choice, they’re more likely to attract a partner who can do the same.
How Anger Damages Relationships
Anger is a potent emotion that, when not expressed in a healthy manner, can be harmful, especially within relationships.
Healthy relationships thrive on effective communication, clear boundaries and agreements, mutual respect, and support. Uncontrolled and harmful expressions of anger can erode these foundations, leaving loved ones feeling unsafe and causing lasting emotional harm. It can also lead to breakdowns in communication.
Emotional flooding¹ can occur when anger takes over, clouding judgment and causing a person to lose perspective on the initial source of their anger. This flood of emotion can keep someone in a defensive or attacking mode, further hindering productive communication and fostering an atmosphere of distrust and insecurity within the relationship. Over time, this can undermine the partners’ faith in the relationship, ultimately leading to its deterioration.
When Does Anger Become Abuse?
Abuse encompasses any action that intentionally causes harm to or injures another person, whether it’s physical, psychological, or emotional. Often, individuals who exhibit abusive behaviors have themselves been victims of abuse or feel a lack of control in their own lives.² However, while these behaviors may have complex origins and not always be intentional, they are never justified.
Anger, being such a powerful emotion, is sometimes used to fuel and rationalize abuse, with victims unfairly blamed for provoking the abuser’s anger. It’s crucial to understand that the victim is never at fault; abuse is never warranted or deserved. In a healthy relationship rooted in love and respect, anger should never escalate to intentional harm.
If you find yourself in a relationship where anger is used to control or manipulate you, it’s likely you are experiencing abuse. Acknowledging this reality is a difficult but crucial first step. There are resources available to help you develop a safety plan to leave safely. For example:
- Have a packed bag ready.
- Ensure a trusted friend or family member is aware of your situation and establish a safe word or signal for intervention.
- Know your destination and plan how to get there safely.
Ensure that your partner does not have access to firearms or other potential weapons.
If the abuse is not physical, counselors and support groups can provide guidance and support as you seek clarity and the strength to leave. In cases of physical abuse, seek assistance from the police, your doctor, local hospitals, shelters, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Remember, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. A genuinely loving partner will not seek to control or harm you.
The Anger Cycle in Relationships
Healthy relationships rely on foundations of mutual support and respect. However, when anger is expressed in ways that disregard these fundamental principles, it can escalate into a destructive cycle.
For instance, if your partner displays anger aggressively and destructively, you may feel disrespected and unfairly treated. Insults or false accusations can also lead to feelings of hurt and provoke a natural inclination to retaliate.
If neither you nor your partner possess the skills to defuse such situations, the response is likely to escalate into aggression, potentially intensifying the cycle further. Continuation of this harmful pattern erodes the relationship’s foundation, potentially shifting perceptions of your partner from ally to adversary.
Breaking the Anger Cycle in Relationships
Breaking the cycle of anger in a relationship can be challenging, especially if it has persisted over time. It typically requires one person in the relationship to step back and acknowledge the issue. A constructive approach begins with re-evaluating the situation through mindfulness, positivity, and empathy. The goal is to transform communication from a blame game into dialogue that upholds mutual respect and support.
One effective strategy is to modify the way you communicate. Using “I” statements has been shown to defuse aggression in conversations.³ For instance, instead of saying “You never help with chores,” try expressing, “I would appreciate more assistance with chores.”
Creating space in the relationship allows partners to listen to each other’s concerns, fostering a sense of being heard and understood rather than criticized or attacked. This shift can encourage your partner to lower their defenses, step back, and adjust their communication approach. As a result, the cycle may shift towards reconciliation and forgiveness, ultimately strengthening and enhancing satisfaction in the relationship.
